Endurance Riding

There is a certain type of exhaustion that comes with being a new mom. It’s the type of exhaustion that sometimes causes crying fits (from both mom and baby), that I-don’t-care-if-I-brushed-my-teeth, I’m-going-to-the-grocery-store-in-my-pajamas kind of exhaustion. It’s that type of exhaustion that causes you to try so hard for sleep that you’ll do anything, anything to get your babe to nap. You’ve tried it all: nursing, rocking, patting, singing, walking, driving, strolling, massaging, swaddling, even a dose of Tylenol…
 
…and then when he finally does fall asleep, despite all rational thoughts that I should follow the old adage “sleep when baby sleeps,” I find myself staring at him, listening to his steady breathing, studying his face: the length of his tiny lashes, the softness of his skin, the plumpness in his cheeks, the sweetness of his lips. I count each tiny finger and toe as I grasp his hand in mine. I am overtaken by a love so deep it takes my breath away, and keeps me awake for hours.
 
I am his everything right now. His nutrition, his comfort, his protection. I am the Queen of Queens. I am the most beautiful woman in the world. He is in awe of me. I am his lover, his friend, his mother, his everything. He cannot live without me. He listens to my sweet voice, and although I cannot sing, I sound like an angel to him. I am his everything.
 
He calls for me at night, for he cannot sleep without knowing I am near. His eyes follow my every move. He is beyond joyful to see me when I have been away. I am the wind, the rain, the sun, and the sky. I am his everything. He dances with me as if he’ll dance with me forever. He falls asleep in my arms and lets me kiss him endlessly. I am the moon, the stars, the night. I am his everything.
 
But something, some day, will change. He will push me away when I embrace him. He will run off to play and won’t say good-bye. One day, he won’t accept my endless kisses. He will no longer long for me. He won’t fit in my arms, or even in my lap, and he’ll laugh at me when I want to dance with him in the middle of the night. I will sing to him, and he’ll tell me to stop.
 
One day, he will grow up and leave me. He will find a new love, one prettier than me. He will call her Queen. She will be his everything.
 
One day, he will remain my everything. He will still be my sun, my stars, my moon, my sky. He will be my light, my love, my laughter. My King of Kings. He will be my everything, even when I am no longer his everything.
 
So, today, as I embrace his tiny body in mine, feeling his skin against mine, I will enjoy every moment as his everything. I will be his Queen of Queens, his magnificent, his beautiful, his brave, his endless love. I will be his everything, today. Today I will be his everything.
 
I will soak up his scent and bask in his laughter, and close my eyes tight to photograph this moment in time, while I am still his everything. I will vow not to forget any of this time: the silkiness of his hair, the adoration in his eyes, the expressiveness in his brow, the innocence of his laughter, the purity in his smile.
 
For tomorrow will come too fast and I may no longer be, his everything.
 
But, today, tomorrow… and forever, he will be. My everything.

Tags: childbirth, home birth, midwifery, motherhood, parenting, pregnancy

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